This is a Personal Touch, a chance to check in with ordinary people making an extraordinary difference in the world. I’m Rebecca Cressman. And today our guest is Doug Nielsen. He is a psychotherapist and speaker, and someone who is very, very much involved in helping marriages improve and become healthy and happy. I guess you’ve been doing this for a number of years, Doug? When you talk to couples who are hitting an obstacle in their relationship and they come to you and they say, “We don’t know how to move past this one difficult point.” Where do you begin with them?
A: You know, I think the biggest thing, Rebecca, is for the couple to be able to reconnect. They have lost the connection. When we have challenges in a relationship, that’s the foundation upon which all is built. That trust comes from the connection. And so we’ll look right at the core and say, “Let’s get back to the basics and let’s in fact become brilliant at those basics,” and that’s connection.
Q: So in the connection, do you find that in all marriages a husband will define connection differently than a wife will or does that just really depend on the couple?
A: I think we have the stereotypical views of that and I believe that they do hold truths: that men might connect more on a physical level where women might connect more on an emotional level. But when we get down to brass tacks, it’s an emotional connection for men as well as for women. And yes, women like the physical contact as well. So I think generally speaking, yes, those are true stereotypes, but we need to be careful because all of us want a deeper connection than just say a physical type of a relationship.
Q: So if you’re working, for example, as a psychotherapist with a couple—we are approaching Valentine’s, and I think it’s very natural to segue into this—the couples have lost the connection and they’ve lost their ability to do or at least the motivation or the ability or desire to do the basics to reconnect. So when you say, “All right, we need to start with the basics,” where do we go from there? What would be the basic, one of the most foundational things a couple needs to do to begin reconnecting?
A: Excellent question, because I think you’re asking: have we lost the connection in our relationship? If you look at your relationship and say, “Where is our connection on a scale of 1 to 10? Where are we at right now?” And we go through our ebbs and flows in relationships. But one of the simplest ways that I have found, and it’s based on research and it’s based on personal experiences as well—I love to interview couples who have been together 40, 50 years and find out what their secrets are—anyway, I call them ‘three L’s and a T.’ And they’re very simple, but it is: to look, laugh, listen, and touch every day in your marriage.
Q: The ‘three L’s and a T.’ So to look, laugh, what’s the third L?
A: Listen and touch.
Q: Listen and touch. So every day?
A: Every day.
Q: And it’s a concerted decision so that you need—say, “Okay, I challenge you now to do the ‘three L’s and a T’ every day.”
A: ‘Three L’s and a T’ every day. So, I mean, if you look at the idea of looking, now at the first brush, you’re going, “Well come on Doug, that’s pretty straightforward and simple;” but no, I mean to really see your partner, to see your spouse. When was the last time you honestly noticed their eye color? With this challenge that I give to all of your listeners: every single day look into the eyes of your spouse and see them. Have you seen that movie Runaway Bride?
Q: Yes.
A: There’s a fascinating clip in there that’s really neat where an ex-husband and an ex-wife were sitting on a piano bench together. The ex-husband remorsefully looks at the ex-wife and says, “What happened to us?” And her line was incredible because she looked right back at him and she said, “You stopped seeing me.” And we cannot stop seeing one another. We can’t afford to do that because that’s when the relationship and the connection starts to break down and the fun goes out of it. So it’s got to be ourselves looking at each other.
Q: So in terms of looking at them as another individual. In other words, paying attention to what expressions are on their face, looking deeply in their eyes. I mean if you’re talking about, because when you are looking at someone, when you are eye to eye, that direct contact, which in itself is a form of intimacy?
A: It is. And the research shows us that that actually works on and stimulates the relationship centers of the brain. I mean, it’s not rocket science. I think we know it intuitively. But I’ll tell you what. When you look at somebody and literally you see them, and see them for who they are and you’re there in the moment with them, you’re connecting and it literally stimulates the brain. That’s building a stronger relationship.
Q: And when you say: look at them and you see them as they are; what do you mean by that?
A: I think in one sense, it’s being there with them and it’s receiving them and whatever they’re talking about, whatever they’re doing; just enjoying the beauty of your spouse. If they love to ski, be there with them; you saw an article in a magazine and you bring that and you’re sharing and you’re looking them in the eye. But you see them as a person without trying to reject the part of them that you don’t like or push them away, or to try to manipulate them into being the person that you want them to be. Just receive them as who they are and it builds the connection. And their beauty, to see that, to see they love to make a meal; enjoy that and see that and you can validate that.
Q: Okay. So we work on looking and truly looking at them in the eyes, look at them as a whole person. Look at them more objectively rather than through the filter of what we might be disgruntled about or hurt about.
A: Exactly. So, and one last piece I was going to say with this one. When you look and you get this connection then you will feel it in the pit of your stomach when you’ve connected with your spouse through looking. There’s something that takes place inside of us and you feel it deep in your gut.
Q: Wonderful. Now that you’re at the gut, you say the second L is to laugh. So if the relationship has gotten to a point where laughter has diminished, it’s gone, are we talking about coming up with the joke of the day, or what do you mean by incorporating more laughter every day?
A: Yes. See, I am the joke in my relationship, so we laugh all the time. But it’s this idea for good mental health we need to get five belly laughs a day. You look at the average laughing today, just in general, and we’re laughing 10 to 14 times. You compare that with a kid who’s laughing anywhere from 200 to 300 times a day. We lose that. And again, humor is a great relationship builder and it’s—we’re wound up way too tight, but to be able to unwind—we get so wound up that we forget to see the bigger picture and being able to see the humor in one another in our difficult moments, if we can, and also just being able to perhaps in the kitchen going up and dancing with your spouse. So a song comes on the radio and you spontaneously go up and you laugh. And again, you’re looking at one another and you’re laughing together and just being able to find the silly part of our lives.
Q: And I’m surprised by what you just said: that we are laughing—statistics probably wouldn’t be correct, but about 95% less than when we were teens.
A: Yes.
Q: And when we were children. So it’s no wonder we look back at our childhood and say, “That was fun!”
A: Yes, yes.
Q: And we’ve been so overcome by our responsibilities, by our stress, that we have pushed our ability to see humor and our desire to see humor to one side, and it’s had a real cost on us: individually and on our relationships as well.
A: Oh, absolutely. Our lives are 300% faster-paced than they were 30 years ago. And when we laugh, endorphins are released. It helps us relax. We’re able to see a bigger picture than getting focused on the small pixels of stress that then becomes our life because we’ve focused on it as opposed to—laughter helps us gain perspective.
Q: Wonderful. Okay. Now, the third L is listen. Listen every day.
A: Listen. You know, listening is just a key because sometimes we think we’re good listeners and in reality, we’re doing more rejecting than we are receiving of our spouse. I think of my grandma. She was a hero in my life. And as I have identified what was the one thing that my grandma did that I would then describe her as a hero: she listened. And I mean, when she listened she was there intently with me and sincerely wanted to know about my life and wanted to know about my heart without rejecting it and then saying, “Well, that’s stupid. You shouldn’t do this. You should do this,” and give me advice in solving all my problems. All I wanted was connection. And sometimes we get so confused in thinking that good listening is solving another person’s problems that we don’t listen for the longing. And that’s what my grandma did. I believe she listened for that longing and she understood and she saw me. She received that heart.
Q: Listen to the longing. In other words, listen very carefully to what your spouse is saying so that you can understand emotionally why that story or that episode that they are sharing with you is important to them?
A: Absolutely. It’s so critical. And one of the things that I’ve heard said is, “Don’t give advice to your spouse until they’ve asked you three times,” because maybe after the third time they are serious about it. Because oftentimes we ask for advice when we already know the answer but we just want to be understood. We just want to be received. We want our heart to be seen and go, “Oh, so this is important.” So don’t give that advice, don’t solve the problem, just be there with them.
Q: Okay, look, laugh, listen, and touch daily.
A: And then touch.
Q: You’re seeing couples that come to you and they are distant. They don’t sit next to each other. They’re not holding hands anymore. And so the practice of touch, how do we incorporate that?
A: Yes. An important one and I would say on this one, too, you want to get five hugs a day. It would be great—the majority of those would probably be your spouse, but they can be with the kids or other family members and those kinds of things. But it’s so important for touch. Psychologically, again, this builds relationships. And yeah, it can be the handholding. It can be instead of sitting and watching TV in your own little world, take time to grab your spouse’s hand and give them a little hand massage. Hold hands when you’re going on dates or walking, and treat each other like you’re princes and princesses like you did when you first dated. Bring that back. Sit on each other’s laps, play with the hair when you, again, are watching a video or doing whatever. Just make touch a conscious decision because, again, it’s so important. We lose this connection. And these ‘three L’s and a T’ are so simple and they can help instantly begin to build a reconnection that we so desire in our life.
Q: Look, laugh, listen, and touch daily. And I’ve got to say, Doug, that you are again a part of the Northern Utah Marriage Celebration, which is an evening in itself, in Utah at Weber State University, where you’re saying to couples who want to improve their marriage, “We’ve got a community here all throughout Northern Utah and we’re dedicated to try to help you—to give you resources, to provide classes, to provide just some type of an evening away for you to work on your relationship.” I guess you as a psychotherapist and as a speaker you’re involved in this. Is it because you feel like we as couples just haven’t put enough of an emphasis on this and sharpened our skills? And so these types of events put that right in front of us. It’s almost like a roadblock in the road? We see it. We go, “Wait a minute. There are things I can do right now to improve my marriage.”
A: Yes.
Q: And there are things I should be doing.
A: Absolutely. It’s kind of like a muscle. If we’re not exercising our relationship muscles, they begin to atrophy. And before long, we find ourselves in a pretty dark place where we can’t take these relationships for granted. I would recommend to people to go two, three, four times a year, once a quarter or twice a year to some type of seminar that’s going to help you focus. This is a great one. It’s very cheap and anyone can come. And it’s one of those that’s upbeat to go to—great entertainment. There are excellent marital professionals there that are helping people build stronger relationships. It’s a no-brainer. And I would recommend that we as married folks that we need to do this on a regular basis.
Q: Well, I so appreciate your time, and Doug, thank you so much for your efforts year after year to try to help not only those couples who are coming to you individually for counseling but also help those who are in the community who are attending the Northern Utah Marriage Celebration. Doug Nielsen, giving us a challenge to do ‘the three L’s and the one T’ every day for our Valentine. Thank you so much for joining us on a Personal Touch.
A: You got it.
Q: And I’m Rebecca Cressman and we want to thank you, too, for joining us for this week’s edition of a Personal Touch. Be sure to check your email next week to find out who else like Doug Nielsen is making a difference in our world with a Personal Touch.
End of interview.
